Do or do not. There is no try.


There is nothing quite as humiliating as poorly behaved children. And while we have all seen it, and probably mentally affirmed that we were superior parents and our children pure perfection, ADMIT IT!!

It has happened to you. And if you claim that it has not, you are a straight up liar. And a crappy liar at that. And, in fact, I am judging you right now. And I am going to tell some other people and we are all going to judge you together. So there.

Anyways, while I have been put on the spot by my angelic offspring before, nothing topped *almost getting kicked out of the library this past weekend. I say almost because the side-eyes I was being shot from the library staff were like lasers and the manager was following me around. With crossed arms.

90 minutes later, after I cried in my car in the parking lot and my husband made a comment similar to “Oh I would NEVER take Eleanor to the library without tying her down in a stroller”, I think my face was slightly less red. I might hold off on returning to that particular library for a few months. I might have cursed it.

Things I learned at the library:

Remember your library card.
Pay any and all fines online, not in the actual building (to avoid waiting in a line)
Strap your toddler into some sort of device that completely restricts their movements.
Do not rely on your 5 year old to police your 1 1/2 year old.
Remember deodorant.
Put antiperspirant on all over your body.
Plan on buying wine.
Your children will set off the door alarm.
Avoid waiting in lines.
Don’t wait in any lines.
Try to repress the urge to wait in a line.
1 1/2 year olds do not like lines.

Actually, they like running everywhere while screaming with delight all over the library while carrying your wallet and your car keys, preventing you from remaining in any lines at all. Requiring you to restart the line wait about 6 times and making you sweat like a mother fucker as you chase them away from the exit to the library. Times a million.

Someone (who, now that I think about it, may have been the manager) said to me “Weren’t you just in line?”

Yes. Yes I was. Repeatedly. But since my daughter just brought me ‘Release the Kraken!’ Or whatever the hell that movie was called and I can’t find my son, I had to step out.

After I finished crying in my car and after that conversation with my husband where he told me I was basically an idiot for not roping Eleanor to a train track (or stroller) and after Vincent announced “Mummy!! I was so good at the library, right?” And after I said no, well…. I was still alive. How, I don’t know.

My children are beasts in public on a regular basis. Don’t wait in lines ever. Don’t go to that library on Semoran, I think my picture might be posted in the back room somewhere. Much like I know it is at the Aveda store at Florida Mall. Tie your newly walking toddler down with rope to whatever surface is mobile.

Stop side-eying and judging your fellow parents. Even if those kids look perfect, they are seriously pooping in a corner in the Apple store and vomiting on that lady at the Mac counter. And stop taking them to the mall. They are embarrassing enough just at Target. Save your parental sanity.

Love you all,