Lunch box: Rookie mom version 1.0

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The school year starts early down here in the American South. Really early. Mid-August. And no, I have no idea why. But it’s weird. Not as weird as it was when I moved here 7 years ago, but weird nonetheless…

This year, Vince started kindergarten and I was a hot mess. It’s been a few weeks of my hot mess building up and this past weekend it reached a climactic point.

Despite having the whole damn day to get prepared, it was not enough time. How much time do you need anyways to get ready for your first born to enter the public school system and start their path down the road to adulthood? That would be forever. So clearly Sunday was just a joke.

Adorable yet tough Darth Vader backpack ready!

Despicable Me Minion lunch bag readied!

Forms filled out, paper clipped together and 2 types of lunch money ready. I was freaking ready.

“There’s a ‘boohoo’ breakfast in the cafeteria for the parents!!” His new teacher chirped at all us emotionally charged parents on Monday.

“Oh no thanks,” I replied, “I’m just going to go and cry in my car.”

Which actually I did. Whatevs bitches. It’s been a shitty week. I cried in my car and pretty much I will continue to all this week.

The first thing after work, Mike and I rushed home to pick Vincent up together. We were just way too excited to hear all about his day. Consensus?

Vincent: “Mummy. Don’t put strawberries in my lunch box EVER AGAIN

Um.

Ok. I NEVER WILL AGAIN.
Mother-f-ing-fail

Also wtf was I thinking when I packed his snack bag?!

Cheese stick, strawberries in bag, snack crackers, thermos. Ya. I shoved that all in. Heyguesswhat. Thermos destroy everything. With their weight. And so strawberries? Became juice in a bag. Crackers? Well, that would be breadcrumbs. Cheese stick is still a cheese stick. Which equals snack = cheese stick.

Fuck.

Where’s my ‘Mom’s Guide to Lunchbox Packing’ for fucks sake!! Geez!

Ok, so parents. Remember, put the thermos in the backpack, not inside the lunchbox. You know that place? Yup, you know that place. Why did I not know that place…

I failed on breakfast too, assuming they had it as soon as they started pre-care. FAIL. It starts at 8am sharp. So, if you suck like me and assume it’d start around 7-ish, your child will starve for EVER. Unless you are that Mom that packed mini-muffins. And made a point of mentioning it, out loud, in a bit of a shouty voice.

Ok fine. I did not pack flipping mini-muffins.

Notes to self:

Pack mini-muffins. Because they are GOLD.

Fruit needs its own separate container. Do not fail on this or you will scar your child for LIFE.

Also, make sure that extra pair of pants is in that backpack, or your child will definitely spill his water bottle all over the bottom/crotch of his shorts. Mandating a visit to the school nurse. And a note in said backpack. Which will make you feel like a lousy parent for not. Probably scar your child forever with this too. They will have issues about spillage forever and totally become a crazy environmentalist, washing ducks somewhere… (Um, I love those that wash ducks, so sorry if this came across as you are crazy people. You are dedicated. I love you for that. I wish I had time to wash ducks too.)

Recap: mini-muffins are key. Buy extra pants. Ignore my cursing. Parenting is not for beginners. I’m a beginner. Strawberries are delicate beings. Crying in your car is ok. The American south is odd.

I love you!

xoxo Jaime

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